Page
3
"Not only was he dealing with some of the most corrupt border officials in Central America, but he attempted to offer a bribe in the form of a misappropriated CNN Corporate Titanium MasterCard, a form of payment not accepted anywhere in the Western Hemisphere and which in any event had long ago reached its $50,000 credit limit thanks to charges by former holders Peter Arnett and Don Pardo…"
South of the Border: Extortion in Paradise
ecently, a team of rogue journalists consisting of editor Don Trovatore and his towel carrier Charley Hod ransacked
their way across Mexico and Guatemala. In Mexico, they joined forces with the notorious guide and interpreter 'Cisco Villa, a direct descendant of Pancho Villa. In this column, Hod relates the stories of appalling debauchery in the nightclubs of Cancun… stories of outrageous extortion at the Guatemalan border… stories of amorous encounters with hordes of young Frenchwomen on Spring Break… stories widely believed to be a pack of preposterous lies…
In honor of this excursion, the interim editorial panel has changed the Italian name
La Rivista Paesano to Spanish La Revista del Paisano. But though Hod has been returned by U.S. Customs Officials, the Don has strangely disappeared without a trace, although a rogue matching his description was later sighted in
Gringotenango, Guatemala, sipping tequila beachside with a couple of elderly hippies known locally as
"Gilligan" and "Skipper…"
Foreign
Affairs, Part "Dos"
by Charley Hod
Editorial Towel Carrier
Charley's
Trav-O-Log, Day One. Alright, lessee here: shades, suntan lotion, towels (of course!), insect repellent, fedora, snub-nosed revolver, blues harp, slide trombone… Uh-oh, the plane leaves in twenty minutes. I better call the limo.
Day Two. Stopped in New Orleans on route to Cancun. The Don wanted to visit the House of Blues and assess the damage done by staff loafers "Shameless" Shannon and Chris "Vern", as well as staff imbecile Tatiana "Donna" and her traveling Winnebago circus. These villains wreaked havoc at Mardi Gras this February and participated in debaucherous exploits the likes of which cause even me to shudder in horror. I had to unload the slide trombone on a local pawn shop. The Don said it takes up too much baggage space and besides, I can't play the thing worth a damn. Oh well, I still got my harmonica…
Day Three. We got the hell out of Cancun as soon as we landed yesterday and boated out to Isla
Mujeres, where a suspicious-looking local who looked like "Cheech" tried to unload half a kilo of
hash on us. The Don would have no truck with it and told Cheech to "shift it on some other suckers."
Day Four. We bussed, hitched and taxied our way down the Caribbean coast and stopped at
Xcaret, a "Mayan" Amusement Park that makes Knott's Camp Snoopy at the Mall of America look like a children's playground. For only 125 pesos (25 bucks), you can enter this zoo and, for another usurious sum, you can "swim with the dolphins." The Don said to hell with it, and we made our way south to some shacks owned by a villain known as "Don Armando," where we rented a yurt dubiously called the
"Cobá Cabaña." We visited the nearby Ruins of Tulum which the ancient Mayans built conveniently between the Caribbean and the interstate highway.
PHOTO BY "DON" TREVOR © 1995
Left: The Don poses for a quick photo by a fountain in New Orleans' French Quarter.
